As my 40th birthday fast approaches things are starting to happen that didn't happen in my 30’s or 20s’. I think my body knows the clock is up and it is time to play those nasty jokes I use to hear my Jewish Nana kvetch about with her friends and sisters around the breakfast table! Joke #1: I got glasses! But just for reading and since I don't read, I will never have to wear them. I am thinking of them more as a fashion accessories. The purchase of these has given me instant membership into the naughty secretary’s club. I think my IQ points just jumped at least a dozen. They make me look HOT and SMART! Oh and for those of you who are keeping score (mom & dad) yes, it is after 9am and I still have my pajamas on and no I haven't brushed my hair. Ah.. the pleasures of working for yourself.
Joke #2: No longer am I able to donate "my eggs" (see Craigslist Etc. Jobs if you are interested in helping a family in need). When I was eking my way out in NYC in my 20's & 30's and had very little money I always knew that if I really had to I could donate my fresh young eggs for a cool $2000.00 (a month's rent). Apparently my eggs are now too old and no longer a moneymaker. I guess kidneys and lungs are still an option.
Joke #3: Time for all those 'ograms, 'oscopies & poke you in your private holes tests. Now that I will be 40 due to family history and awesome genetic luck I must now endure all those super fun medical tests that make you starve yourself for 24 hours before the test or poop your entire colon out before the test or not drink any coffee before the test. Great!
With all this going on I have a feeling that by my actual birthday my boobs will be at my knees and I will need knee pads so I don't bruise them as they drag along. I better add those to my Amazon Wish List (a pair in black and pair in brown, so I can wear them with anything)!
About three months ago I was semi-"dooced" from my job. After suffering though one of the most miserable times in my life I decided that it would be physically and mentally impossible for me to ever set foot into an office EVER again due to the mental abuse I suffered. I think they call this P.T.S.D. or Pure Torture, So Done. Even if that meant giving up donut day and my love affair with the water cooler; I just couldn't brush my hair one more morning, wear clean underwear, or deal with people who don't share. So I hatched a plan. A plan that would allow me to work in my pajamas all day long, eat cookies for breakfast, sleep until 11am, and scour thrifts shops, flea markets and garage sales to find treasures that others could pin their hopes, dreams, and fantasies on if they chose to participate in the auction. Along this journey I have found some really cool "weird" stuff that has become my personal booty. From top left going clockwise.
1. Possibly ice tongs, but look more like what you would use to delicately pluck the freshly laid eggs in your pet Falcon's aerie.
2. Hairless doll head. Not all that weird on its own, but the fact that there were over 100 of the exact same head for sale was weird. I restrained myself and didn't blow the month's grocery bill budget on all 100. But I still regret not doing so.
3. Got this at a hospital auxiliary thrift shop that is staffed by women who were born before there were hospitals and health insurance. Hence the description on the price tag read "Really Old Oriental Man Doll". hee hee
4. CREAPY with a capital day-glo orange hair and heart balloon make-up application creepy.
5. Didn't actually find this at a store, but it found me in the Mexican desert one trip. Had to come home to join the weird collection. Needless to say, it fits in just fine.
6. When I saw this I thought, OH MY GOD! This is a figurine of Adult Christian Jesus holding Jewish Baby Jesus throwing out a peace sign. But I was later informed that the tall guy was Saint Joseph. So this is in fact The Patron Saint of Baby Aspirin holding Baby Jesus throwing his Tribe Sign.
When my professional lizard hunting husband or (Dr. P.L.H.H. as he is known in professional circles) travels for work I always say, bring me back a present I would like! The, "I would like" part is the real problem. Especially since most of his traveling for "business" sends him to far off deserts in the middle of nowhere Mexico, Arizona, New Mexico and anywhere else where you just can't readily buy one or 6 of these or even one of these. I certainly don't need another, "my over-educated husband went to the Sonora desert and all I got was this lousy t-shirt" emblazed addition to my wardrobe. So when he came back last trip and said he got me something, I was intrigued. Could he actually please the world's most snobby gift receiver whos taste circumnavigates the impossible to find, the not legal to own, and the costs over a million dollars realm of gifts? The answer this time was YES! Out of his dust covered totally gross bazillion year old duffle bag came this lovely gift. It looks to be a bone from a cow, whale, or dinosaur, we can't decide. The one thing that I did decide is when I saw this special gift I knew that this man "understood me", "he got me" and I needed to marry him. And I did. I love you bug, and happy 2 month and 16 day anniversary.